11th September, 2011

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.""

The last few days have been up and down. I haven't felt good health wise and a few other things that have factored into my eating not being that great. Better than it normally would be but not great.

I feel different though. I can't put a finger on it but I still feel positive about things and my future relationship with food, even though I haven't been that successful for a few days. I know it's not going to change at the click of my fingers or even in weeks or months. It's going to take time and I know it's possible that I can beat it.

Doing my food habits the past few days, there was no enjoyment at all. It was all just me going through the motions of doing it, just because that's what I'm used too. I think this is a good thing because I thought that once I gave it up, the pull of the 'excitement' would make me miss it, but it's not as strong as I thought. It is in some respects but i'm looking at myself while doing it and it's not fun, really. Before there was more of a 'buzz'

I think all these little steps will come together and hopefully I can make a proper breakthrough for a longer time. I expected that I would find it difficult after a few days and I did, but I can do it. Those 5 days proved i'm strong enough.

I'm not going to be too hard on myself if I make a mistake. Like I said it will take time, along time. But that's ok and i'll take it a day at a time.

8th September

"For things to change I must change"

For the last year, if not longer, i've being dealing and suffering with something. I have a eating disorder and I hate it. I've always struggled with food. I've weighed more, then I weighed less, then I weighed too little. Now my eating habits are out of control. I binge eat, I obssess with food and it dominates most of my thoughts, but yet, I can't find a way out of it.

I have to fight it, deal with it and overcome it or i'll end up somewhere I don't want too be.

I started on Sunday and suceeded that day, monday tuesday, and wednesday. I never touched any kind of bad food, and I felt proud of myself. Today was not so great and I want to make a reminder to myself of how awful I feel after. I've put so much effort into those 4 days, and to feel like I've just wasted that effort.. it's just a rubbish feeling. I feel so stupid about it. Pathetic.

I will try and focus on how well i've been doing. I can't remember the last time I never did one of my habits for a even just a day, so the fact I managed 4 whole days is a big step. I need to take that thought with me into tomorrow and make it a better day.

8th September

It's been a while. A long while. I took a break, not on purpose but due to going back to hospital for operation take 2, and then I just fell out with wanting to post photos. Well I did want to post still but when you're stuck indoors for weeks, taking photos of the cat everyday would get extremely boring.

I'm going to use this blog differently for a while. I thought about setting up a new blog but I don't want the subject to be all what I'm about. I might still include photos somewhere in the midst of my jumbled words.